If after years of being with a partner, you found out that they could not have children and would not be willing to adopt, would you want to stay with them?

• Yes.
• No.
• I'm not sure.

Seriously, if my partner turned out to be the sort of nutbar who would only raise a child if it were his own flesh and blood (and all the other hooey that gets implied with this question), I don't think I'd be with them in the first place.

Of course, maybe I'm the only one who sees a difference in the constructs of procreating and raising a child, and that the two don't have to be one in the same.

so i started to poke at the grad school bubble the other day.

it's scary.

there are lots of things swirling about my brainial regions over this, and i suspect that it's going to take plenty of time (and more then a little bridge rebuilding) to sort it all out.

i decided to begin with the obvious, with the only subject matter that has, on a regular basis, sent chills down my spine. right. media studies. no one ever is in any way shocked. even picking schools randomly, it's easy to tell that my interest still lies in theory, ecology, individual perception, history, and impact on contemporary life - which actually narrows the abyss down by a whole lot. i don't want a program that focuses primarily on production (yech), management, speech (even though i like oral interp), or language (even though sometines i still think about linguistics.) so far, i'm getting material from the new school and NYU, but i'm trying to find programs from places that are a little less well known. i know i should shoot for the best, but i also know that my grades from undergrad will not get me in to those places.

besides my crippling fear or writing application essays, i'm also worried about something wayyyyy more important: what's the point? i know i WANT to study this stuff, i always have, but i'm hard pressed to come up with a career-relevant reason for going back to school. jobs in pr, advertising, music, broadcasting, all rely much more on real world experience than they do advanced studies - but i'm still so up in the air with what i want to DO in the real world... i dunno. getting jobs in this field isn't a cakewalk to begin with, i feel like i could either flit form job to hard earned job for AGES and still be no closer to where i may or maynot want to be some day, or i could go to grad school, research and learn things that i like, and have the opportunity, through school, to take on more internships and experinces than i would sitting on my duff in a cubicle.

but still, i feel like i need to figure out SOME sort of career path that i want further schooling to lead me down before i dive back into things, otherwise i'm just wasting time and money getting a useless degree. and that's silly. which is tougher than it sounds. i mean, i never really knew what i wanted to be when i grew up, and even now, it's fuzzy. the idea of being a professional media historian holds a lot of weight, but i don't know if that's actually a viable career path. owning a venue? it's crossed my mind more than once, but i'm feeling so burnt out on music these days that i'm not sure if i want to set it up as a goal that i'm committed to. it's pretty much event planning anyway, which i don't really need an advanced degree for, i only need an MA if i want to do something with a venue that integrates new media/media involvement within a new paradigm that no one has tried yet (i wonder, is that even possible?) and even then, i feel like an MBA would be more useful than an MA in media studies in that case.

the MBA seems like the most useful of all possible plans, unless i get attacked by a gorilla and in the wrath of the subsequent brainrot i decide that i do want to put myself through that wringer and turn into some intellectual copyright lawyer nutso psychopants.

of course, applying to grad school means other things - like getting in touch with my professors, who i really haven't kept in touch with at all since graduation. are they used to that? students drop of the face of the planet after graduation only to come grovelling back for a grad school reccomendation?

going back for all the wrong reasons really does concern me. i wonder if all my problems would be solved by just switching careers and doing something new. (we'll keep that at that, for now.) i mean, i have no intention of doing internet PR forever - even though i like the idea of researching the possibilites of internet PR on market trends, etcetcetc. (no, really, i am trying really hard to keep this entry focusing on the whatifs of grad school. swear.)

and anyway, i DO miss school. i miss learning, i miss classroom discussions, i even - kinda, sorta - miss writing papers. maybe i just miss writing, which isn't something i thought i'd EVER say, but i really do feel like my - fuck, even coming up with THIS is actively taxing my poor atrophying cerebellum - ability to retain information is slipping, almost as much as my ability to relay information in a coherent manner to other humanoids. i miss other students and - maybe this is a factor more than i'd like to admit - i like being able to compartamentalize my universe.

i guess i'm also worried that focusing exclusively on media related pursuits could be limiting my options - but honestly, i don't know what else i would concentrate on. the only other field that interests me enough for me to even think about doing further research into it would be something involving green development or environmentally sound buisness enterprises or something - sometimes i feel like i'm just dribbling words out of my mouth and hoping that they puddle up into something vaguely resembling an actual concept - but, the point there is that i like windmills and i want other people to like windmills.

it's late and i'm still sleepy, and i can feel what's left of my cogent thought start to slip away. i guess all i can really do is keep poking at the internet and researching programs, and if i find something that i really grok on, then i'll worry about applying for it and whether or not i could actually do something with it. in the meantime, i think i mostly just need to be doing something, anything at all, to tell myself that this is NOT "it," that i'm not outdated, and that i do and will have the opportunities to move past my current job, whenever i'mr eady to do that.

You're stranded on a remote Pacific island that has been sponsored by a giant American beverage corporation. Which drink do you choose to survive on?

• Coke

• Pepsi

Pepsi, obviously, unless the Coke is made with sugar instead of corn syrup. The question is missing critical key details.

You discover a huge porn collection on your significant other's computer. You are:

• Unaffected... "So what?"

• Embarrased or disgusted... "This is filthy!"

• Angry or hurt... "This is cheating!"

• Masturbating... "This is so hot!"

How about "Amused... this is such a staggering amount of really repetative porn that there aren't enough hours in a day to watch!"?

How do you feel about Scientology?

• I don't know anything about Scientology

• I respect their right to their own beliefs

• It's cool / I am a Scientologist

• It's a dangerous cult

Why isn't "It's a crackpot religion, as stated BY THE FOUNDER HIMSELF AND ALL HIS IMMEDIATE RELATIVES and anyone with half a brain knows not to buy into Hubbard's shennanigans" an answer to this? i'd settle for "I've done my research and I think it's bunk."

i suppose that theoretically this would fall under "I respect their right to their own beliefs," but I don't. I have a hard time respecting anyone's right to be STUPID. a religion based around aliens, written by a SCIENCE FICTION AUTHOR??? Also the part where practically every surviving member of the Hubbard clan has come out and stated, on the record, that their dad/uncle/whatevs MADE THIS SHIT UP AS HE WENT ALONG.

ugh. ugh. scientology. ugh. i've got less beef with the Jews for Jesus.

That, and i bet Zuul could take Xenu in a steal-cage death match any day of the week. Hell, i'm thinking ZARDOZ could take Xenu down. Note to self - fictional god wrestling should be the next chapter of the WWE.